Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize