last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
