the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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