I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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