A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
