dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
