Michael Bay diarrhea
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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