headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
