Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just tell him i said nine months
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
