I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
