remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
