The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
