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Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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