My first STD was from a foam party
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
