today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
