yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
