I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
