I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize