Pants 0. Shit 1.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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