I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
