I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize