I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
