remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
