So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
