just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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