Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
