i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Randomize
