I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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