Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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