I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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