the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
