she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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