I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
