If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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