my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
