I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
