you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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