dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dicks are not precious.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
