I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
