Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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