I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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