Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize