Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
