This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
