Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
