Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize