Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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