Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
