oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
