I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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