im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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