So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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