i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
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