my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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