if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
