Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
