plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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