literally had 100 drinks last night.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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