you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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