I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
