Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize