my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
