I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
