I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
