honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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