I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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