I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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