what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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