your parents love me but you hate me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dick very happy bro
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
