thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
