You can't motorboat a personality
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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