Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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