i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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