sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
