Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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