Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
