just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
