Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
